Well, folks, grab your ten gallon hats and your CBD infused barbecue sauce, because Texas is once again proving that everything really is bigger in the Lone Star State, including the political circus surrounding hemp regulation.
Governor Greg Abbott is apparently preparing to whip out his executive order pen like it’s a six-shooter at high noon, all because the Texas Legislature couldn’t manage to pass hemp regulations after not one, but TWO special sessions. That’s right, they had homework extensions and still couldn’t turn in the assignment. At this point, I’m wondering if we should be drug testing the legislators instead of worrying about hemp products.
The backstory here is pure Texas sized drama. Earlier this year, lawmakers initially tried to go nuclear and ban hemp THC products entirely, which would have demolished an $8.5 billion industry faster than you can say “Remember the Alamo.” That’s billion with a B, folks, enough money to buy every Texan their own personal armadillo and still have change left over for a really nice truck.
Abbott, showing a rare moment of economic sense, vetoed that brilliant plan and essentially told lawmakers, “Hey partners, maybe instead of burning down the whole saloon, we could just check IDs at the door?” He asked them to regulate hemp products similar to alcohol, which seems reasonable enough. After all, Texans have been successfully not selling beer to kindergarteners for decades now.
But what happened next? The Senate, led by Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick (who apparently thinks hemp is the devil’s lettuce’s sneaky cousin), kept pushing to ban everything twice. Meanwhile, the House sat there like they were watching a really boring rodeo, refusing to move on any of it. It’s like watching your divorced parents argue at Thanksgiving, except they’re deciding the fate of an entire industry.
The proposed regulations Abbott is expected to implement are surprisingly sensible: age limit of 21, ID checks, keeping stores away from schools, and proper labeling and testing. You know, the kind of basic stuff we already do for literally everything else that adults can enjoy but kids shouldn’t. Revolutionary concept, I know.
What’s particularly amusing is that while they couldn’t agree on hemp regulation, they did manage to ban THC vapes entirely. Because apparently, the logic is: “We can’t figure out how to regulate this responsibly, so let’s just ban the modern version and keep the old-school methods.” It’s like banning email because you can’t figure out spam filters while keeping the postal service running.
The timing of Abbott’s “stay tuned, something may be happening soon” comment to reporters has all the dramatic flair of a soap opera cliffhanger. Will Greg save the hemp industry? Can executive orders triumph where democracy failed? Find out next week on “As the Cannabis Turns.”
In a plot twist that M. Night Shyamalan would appreciate, Texas also managed to expand its medical cannabis program this year, adding new qualifying conditions including chronic pain. So while they’re fighting about whether adults can buy hemp products at the corner store, they’re simultaneously acknowledging that cannabis has legitimate medical benefits. The cognitive dissonance is stronger than a triple-shot espresso with a Red Bull chaser.
The real joke here is that Texas, the state that prides itself on limited government and personal freedom, has spent countless hours and taxpayer dollars arguing about a plant that’s less intoxicating than the margaritas at your average Tex-Mex restaurant. They’ve had more special sessions about hemp than most states have about their entire budget.
If Abbott does issue this executive order, it’ll be a masterclass in “Fine, I’ll do it myself” governance. It’s like when your group project partners won’t cooperate, so you just finish the whole thing alone at 2 AM. Except in this case, the project is worth $8.5 billion and affects thousands of businesses and jobs.
The bottom line is that Texas is about to regulate hemp products through executive fiat because its legislators couldn’t stop bickering long enough to do their jobs. It’s democracy in action, if your definition of democracy includes throwing your hands up in frustration and letting one person make all the decisions. But hey, at least the regulations sound reasonable, which in Texas politics, counts as a miracle bigger than finding parking at the State Fair
